So I haven't updated since before Eli's surgery and I meant to update right after, but I kept waiting for the follow-up appointments. Then I waited for Dr. C to either give us good news or bad news. So far really we've gotten neither. This kind of makes each appointment difficult because I don't really have positive things to go off of. We do know that his aorta is recoarcing. It's not at a place to go back to the cath lab yet, but it's something we need to be watching and will eventually have to address. He thinks it might have gotten just a touch smaller than his last echo, but again not enough to warrant the cath lab. We think they may be ready to do a stent (they have been talking about it since he was a baby) when they do have to address this since he is older and bigger. We will also be going to neurology because we think Eli is showing signs of brain damage from the heart/lung machine. I have a hard time talking about specifics of what he's doing or not doing. Some of the things I want to talk about or people ask about and I tell them and they attempt to be really positive. But "being positive" doesn't get us anywhere. Having faith is different than being positive. But people have a tendancy to lump them together sometimes. Having faith means knowing that even in the worst possible circumstances God WILL get you through it. It means trusting HIS plan and not your own. Even when that plan means the worst thing you can think of. God WILL get me and my family through this, but not being able to see the big picture that He does is really hard. I think that's harder for me than anything. So as I mention the brain damage and going to neurology it's hard for me to deal with the thought that my poor boy may be suffering something like this. And that as he has more surgeries it could get worse and there is nothing I can do and we have to go through the surgeries. Again "being positive" will get me no where. Having faith will even if it means the worst. But this DOES mean PREPARING for the worst (at least mentally). It means thinking about it, talking about it and coming to terms with it. All parents have these feelings as we see our kids go through these things. Some talk about it and some don't. Some wear their emotions on their sleeves and some don't. I personnally wear EVERY emotion I have on my sleeve. It's quite obvious how I'm feeling. I don't always want to talk about it, but sometimes I do. However, I feel like nobody understands so I stay silent.
As I learned in my ladies bible study this last session staying silent stunts your growth as a follower of Christ and does not help encourage others in their walk. Staying silent also prevents people from knowing exactly how to pray for you. So this is something I'm trying to work on. Talking about the difficulties even when I don't want to. Satan is trying to get me offended at others though. So please please pray for me as he throws his darts at me.
"Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them." Psalm 119:165
"But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:8 (God definitely thought of me when He wrote this verse.)
He wants me to fail. But through Christ I will succeed.
"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." Colossians 3:13
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 1 Corithians 10:13 (Christ is our way to escape, but we MUST reach our hand towards Him. He is already reach towards us.)
"Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Romans 12:17-18
So my hope is that this blog will be my outlet. I pray I can put my emotions and feelings here to speak when I haven't the strength and encourage others through our trials and tribulations. To allow people to pray for me when I'm struggling to speak. I pray that God can use me and my children to glorify Him and His name.